cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
