did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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