a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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