i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
