haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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