I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
