OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
