even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
