so that wasnt chicken after all
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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