i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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