dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
