Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
