Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This is not my ceiling
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
