Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
