Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
