dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
