it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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