So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
