Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
should my penis look like a turkey
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
