so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
