I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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