News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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