She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
