I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
