So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
