If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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