I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
