I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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