TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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