Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
