I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
