How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
