I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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