Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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