lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
