I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
