Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
