so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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