Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
