Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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