I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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