you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
