I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
