Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
