it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
