dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
