Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
