i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
