FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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