Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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