I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize