Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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