Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
last night I used snow as a chaser
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
