I murdered the dance floor call the cops
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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